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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Take Heed

Vas te faire encule et votre chienne.
Puissiez-vous pourrissent en enfer, et votre relation sera la fin de vous ...
et votre carrière.
Prenez garde!
Ne pas dire que je ne vous ai pas prévenu!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Pain Runs Deep

So this is what it feels like... to be consumed by so much pain, yet you don't feel like screaming your head off nor feel anger at its highest peak towards the person causing you that pain...

Especially when you know that you've loved that person so deep than you can imagine.

I know we should have settled this a very long time ago. YOU should have settled this long before you even knew that love is lost. And I should have stuck with the fact that I've been telling myself that I've moved even before we faced each other that one last time...

Don't you think we're just victims of a f*ck-ed up reality? When we blindly tried to make things work, and I feel deeper... not knowing I was leading myself to limbo?

And now, I can't help but think why we decided to stay "friends"... when all I feel right now is I don't even know how to go back to that place anymore. That neutral ground before all the complications we're created.





I still love you, and you know that. But I know you don't feel the same anymore. And it's hurting me even more than I thought it would... when I told you I'm letting you go. When you told me to forget about you, it twisted my insides as if I'm going to vomit. I couldn't bear the pain of forgetting... that's just me. When you told me to move forward with my career, it made me doubt myself for reasons I couldn't fathom. It made me think of where I am actually standing right now, because I couldn't envision my path anymore. Everything's just dark and uncertain.

Yet I know you believe in me. You said so yourself.

And I go back to feeling more pain.

I love you.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Trade

IF money does not have any value in this world, I'd probably be:

- in New York doing theater;
- in Maldives or some paradise island experiencing peace and tranquility;
- traveling the world in my own yacht;
- doing charity work for Unicef.

BUT money matters. And this reality sucks.


PS. Don't get me wrong. I like my job. I'm starting to love it. Yet I feel that I wanna go places. Like really go places, have real human interaction, and make a change in people's lives. Get my drift?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Forward

I'm moving forward.

Hope. Happiness. Self-Love. Inner Peace.
And when the wind blows, I wish it'll bring me change.
A sense of rebirth.
My REBIRTH.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Note from Above

Today, one of the Facebook apps I use reads:

On this day of your life, Faye, we believe God wants you to know... that you are blessed.

You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes, it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere.

Maybe this is His way of giving me a wake up call; of telling me to exude more positivity in life. I am the kind of person who can give out great advices to people, but I never take my own advice. I rot with pessimism, the kind that eats you up from the inside-out and consumes you 24/7.

But maybe, just maybe... I do need more positivity in all aspects of my life. My family, career, love, friendship and everything that binds it all together.

Yet somehow, I know I'm getting there. Everything I've been through since 2008 has made me an entirely different person - but in a much better way, I suppose. I've been through hell and heartaches more than any person I know, and yet I still find myself standing and moving forward with hope. But it is somehow tiring.

I hope I can finally find my solid ground.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I Need a Breather

Just got to take a few things off my chest. Here we go~

I feel lost and somehow confused with what I really want. It's like I'm trying to find that zest in life and driving force to go on living.

Is this what they truly meant by the term "quarter life crisis"? I do have a job, yes. A little something I'm keeping to my advantage to pay for my trainings. It's a job, but not the kind that is in line with my profession. It's a job that is on neutral grounds for me; it's not exciting, nor is it mediocre. It's a job. Am I getting my point across? Maybe yes, maybe no.

But because of this job, I feel like I might lose myself at a certain point. I might end up sticking with it, until such time that I'm ready to let it go... or I might find a way to keep myself from straying further.

And this made me realize that I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to plan things, yet I have to start moving soon or else everyone else might pass me by.

It's a tough decision. Rough times are ahead and I can feel it. I have exactly 3 months to make up my mind; the sooner, the better.

AND~

Right now, I don't know why I worry too much. I have a lot going on through my mind lately, like it's an explosion of 10,000 things all in one go. I've been getting mixed signals, misunderstanding and misinterpreting things and the list goes on. Sometimes even to the point of delaying a few things just so I can get a grip of myself.

This is definitely not me.


PS. I just hope I can really trust and believe in you. Do not be like the ones who came before you, who just stood there and did nothing. You're more than that... I hope.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

On Feeling Blessed

A month.

It's been one heck of a month --
One that is full of unexpected twists and turns
Of surprises and what-not's
Of happiness, sadness, anxiety and craziness;
It's been a month.

Until now, I still can't believe how things turned up for the good these days. Although to me, getting to where I am right now is quite astounding since I've lived a very dependent life in the 20 years of my existence.

Though I couldn't really say I am contented with what I have right now, for I know there are still a lot of things to come and a lot of blessings to make way for - I know that I'm in a good disposition. The fact that I'm about to take my oath as a Registered Nurse in a few day's time still seem a distant thought. But that being said, it's a distant-happy-euphoria inducing thought.

And I have wonderful wavemates! They make work days fun and something to look forward to.

And I UBER LOVE my parents. I couldn't imagine life without them. Supportive, understanding and everything in-between. I just love them.

And with everyone else who's got my back, I know I'm safe and loved.

I feel so blessed. I do.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Letters to the Wind

Cela fait six mois ... et pourtant je encore poser cette question - que cette seule question:

Avez-vous vraiment exister dans ma vie?

Parce que si vous avez fait, je n'irais pas me questionner.
Parce que si vous avez fait, alors comment je viens jamais vraiment vous saviez?
Parce que si vous avez fait, je l'aurais su pourquoi tu as menti.
Et parce que si vous ne ...

J'aimerais savoir pourquoi vous avez choisi de ne pas exister en elle.

Voulez-vous vraiment continuer à faire semblant? ...

Monday, August 2, 2010

Another "Epic Fail, Epic Win" Day

What's up with today, anyway? Really.

Epic Win #1: I slept at 4AM, woke up at 7AM but went back to bed after a few minutes. Then my mom woke me up again to configure the internet connection of my brother's PC. I specifically told her that I'd do it IF she gives me my allowance for the week. Heck, yeah it worked! :)

Epic Fail #1: I was really, really, really looking forward to start my job training this Thursday. Only to have it moved to a later date - make that one month (see previous post).

Epic Win #2: Call me motormouth, but I chatted on the phone with a good friend of mine while grocery-shopping with my mom. It was way hilarious than expected!

Epic Fail #2: Just as me and my mom headed for Glorietta for dinner, I came across someone on the way there. Someone I hope I'd never, EVER see again in my life. Not that I'm mad at him/her, but it's just... awkward. Hmm.

Epic Win #3: I satisfied myself with a hot bowl of noodles + dimsum.

Epic Fail #3: So what if I never knew there was a gelato store in Greenbelt? Oh heck, now I'm obliged to sample their gelato's some other time. Boo me!



BUT I STILL LOVE THIS DAY, BECAUSE:

Epic Win #4: I got ANOTHER job. Yes, you've read that right. Something to keep me pre-occupied while I wait for my job training on September.

Loop de Loop

Okay, just when I thought I'd be scrambling to get on tip-top shape for my first day of training this Thursday - a couple of phone calls changed it all.

Last Friday, someone rang my phone but I wasn't able to take the call. The number reflected was 792-3000. Later that day, I learned that the number belongs to the trunkline of Convergys - my employer.

Today, I dialed the number in the hopes of knowing what that missed call was about. I was transferred to CVG 5's receptionist, then to Ryan of HR who gave me the number of the guy who handles the account I'm in - a guy named OJ.

After almost an hour of trying to get through the line, I recited (haha!) my very memorized piece on why I'm calling him. Then he went to check the training schedules. Unfortunately, a dilemma is about to break loose. MY CLASS (TRAINING) GOT RE-SCHEDULED TO SEPTEMBER 2, 2010 - a month from now. And that I should drop by the site within the week to have my contract 'changed'.

Hmm. Let's analyze the situation here.

Although for one, I know that I do need a job right now because times are hard - I can't blame them for moving my training schedule. I may never really know the reason behind this. But if it's because I'm a Nursing graduate who just landed a sort-of coveted part-time job in a BPO company while waiting for the board results to come out. Then I'd be really disappointed.

I do hope these loose ends could be tied up. One way over the other, I still want that job offer. And I've decided to allow them to 'change' my contract. Yeah.

Okay, now what to do for the next 4 weeks. Suggestions, anyone?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

2010 Running Events

Run to Read 2010
August 15, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
3k | 5k |10k |15k | 500m for kids

Miles for Smiles: Run for Cleft Care
August 22, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
3k | 5k | 10k | 16k | 400m for kids

Figaro Fun Run 2010 – Race to Save the Barako Tree
September 4, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
3k | 5k | 10k

The Fort Running Festival 2010
October 17, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
5k | 10k | 21k | Group Category

Adidas King of the Road 2010
October 24, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
5k | 10k | 21K

The RunRio Trilogy Leg 3: Timex Run 2010
November 21, 2010
Fort Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
3k | 5k | 10k | 32k

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Spontaneity, yes?

When I least expected it, my formerly empty weekly calendar got busy with schedules. So, let's see... what exactly happened to me between July 19 to July 24.

Monday. Another Yearbook Committee meeting at the publishing house. I arrived at our meeting place (Bluewave Macapagal) around 10:45am and was still able to chit-chat with Ali, then off we went to Sta. Ana. It was a really great day because we started out drafting the layout for the yearbook cover. But me and Majel had to leave early, because I still had to submit my remaining job requirements in Makati. Thank God it didn't rain, and I arrived in my destination just in the nick of time!

Tuesday. Yet another Yearbook Committee meeting at the publishing house. I think this was the day when there were only 4 of us working: Me, Jem, Makki and JM. AND yes, we nearly died.

What happened was we already drove away from MDC for like a few seconds, and we were thinking of JM when all of a sudden Makki shouted, "Ayyyyy Kuya STOP!!! Si JM naglalakad!."Just as kuya driver was ready to turn right to park, an ice van driving on top speed nearly collided with our van! Imagine our horror, and Makki saying "Oh my God, muntik na akong mamatay!!!" Good thing we weren't harmed, and JM was clueless on how scared we were just a few seconds before he finally stepped in the van with us. Afterwards, we just laughed off the incident.

Once we arrived at the publishing house, we immediately started on our tasks. Me and JM were tasked to sort out names; of those who graduated to those who didn't, and those who have paid for the yearbook, etc. And we did some other tasks too... and a whole lot of chika's. Haha! And Makki was our lovely muse, as always. Past lunch time, Angel arrived. They worked with kuya kick-ass layout artist on the cover page, inside insert page, and revision of the content page layout. IT WAS KICK-ASSSSSS~! And now, we're extremely excited despite the fact that it's still a draft at this point and that we still have a lot of things to accomplish.

Wednesday. I met up with Jem and Angel at MDC to do some yearbook tasks, yet again. It was sort-of an unplanned rendezvous, but we had to do it to fast-track our work. Weeded out more names, updated our list of paid individuals, and did the tasklist for contacting certain people. Also, I was able to chat with Rovee regarding their in-house review with Shield Review Center for Nurses.

Afterwards, us three went to Mall of Asia for dinner at Mang Inasal and to finish our work at Starbucks. AND, it was my first time to go home really really late - just by myself (11:00pm). Ooops, sorry Mom! O.o

Thursday & Friday. I was the official bum for the day. I think I went jogging on Thursday, but I was mostly a bum after that. Watched movies, channel surfed, went online, ate, slept. Multiply that to the nth... you do the math. Lol! Then on Friday night, desperate as I was of leaving the house to breathe in fresh air and experience a different scenery I quickly jumped ship when I heard that my BFF Donna wanted to watch Inception the following day. YEY, MOVIE DATE! :D

Maybe'll just write about my Saturday escapade with Donna on my next post. I feel like I want to elaborate on Inception. ^^,

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Whirlwind in July

Yes, a few days ago Typhoon Basyang claimed many lives as it unexpectedly savaged the Philippine Islands. Kill PAG-ASA forecast, as always (no pun intended).

Monday. I woke up feeling really ill and shaky. Later, after several trips to the bathroom and a couple of Loperamide tablets I felt a little okay. You probably figured out what happened to me from herein. Haha! But all throughout the day, I felt like dried prune. Got through the day eating bland porridge and 2 bottles of Gatorade.

While shaky and all (and desperately trying to stop my heart from racing), I called up Chriss - my recruiter @CVG - regarding my decision on the possible job offer. Then she told me I should come in at 10am the following day. I said, "Sure, no problem. 10am's great!"

Yes, I was blabbing along. I still don't know how I managed to get the words out of me! Lol.

Tuesday. I felt glad that I was recuperating faster than I expected, but I wasn't about to take chances. So I still stuck with my bland porridge - Gatorade diet and headed off to CVG to continue my final interview. A couple of questions later (that I never thought would eventually end), I passed the final interview and found myself taking baby steps to 7th floor for my validation interview with Mayk. And after all the yada-yada and some more waiting, Chriss eventually confirmed a little past lunch time that I got the job offer! Woopdeedoo!

Seriously, I spaced out. :)) And it took me nearly forever to finish reading and signing the job offer. I stayed in Room 5, waited for the contract for almost an hour and stayed there for almost 2++ hours. And yes, time just flew by without me noticing it! YES, I SPACED OUT (I just have to put emphasis on that).

However, as I texted my mom that I got the job offer and am about to signed the contract she texted me with a warm "Congratulations baby!" - but the next sentence made me space out even more. My ninang (godmother) Cecille, who happens to be my mom's BFF and the mother of my brother's best friend, succumbed to complications of Colon Cancer around 1:51pm of that fateful day.

Wednesday. Typhoon Basyang hit P.I. around early AM - just as I was about to lay myself to sleep. Due to that pesky typhoon, our area didn't have electricity supply for almost 36++ hours. But I had to push that thought away, because I had to fix a lot of paperworks required for work!

Name it: Barangay clearance, Police clearance, Cedulas, BIR tax identification number, Social Security number, Medical clearance, Postal identification card, etc. Me and my dad were all over Manila and Makati in just a day. From our so-called road-trips and endless walking that never seem to end.

Also, I got to try a coffee bun from Kopi Roti. It tasted good! :)

Then around past dinner time, my family set-off for Parañaque to attend the wake of my Ninang. *sigh*

Thursday. Me and my dad's "Dora the Explorer" tendencies, part deux! And this time, we cruised down Mandaluyong-Makati-Manila-Makati. What a tiring day! And I eventually ended up in Macapagal to see Caren and Ali.

Thank God I was able to accomplish 2 out of 4 of my job's non-negotiable requirements!

Friday. My dad drove me to SSS. And would you believe we got lost on our way there? We initially thought SSS is still situated in The Atrium along Makati Ave.; turns out it moved to Buendia! Ugh. We wasted 45 minutes of precious time, and 45bucks for parking fee that we only utilized for like 25 minutes. After settling things, I had to eat lunch by myself, photocopy some of my files and submit 3/4 of my requirements to CVG's HR Department.

And then, there was the Alumni Association meeting. Some good vibes were there alright, but it's 85% bad vibes if you ask me. Okay, I'll shut up now - I might end up elaborating on this further. Haha!

Saturday. Itinerary: Finally get my Urinalysis and Chest X-ray over with! And yes, my stomach was able to tolerate a serving of ice cream from Mini Stop, a grande blended-whip Green Tea Frappucino from Starbucks, and a bottle of Minute Maid Pulpy Orange drink. YEHEYYY!!! Then me and my family attended another service for my ninang.

Sunday. Finally, my ninang got cremated a few minutes before 10:30 in the morning. :| Yes, emotional. But deep inside, I know that she's in a very happy and peaceful place - where she can no longer feel pain and suffering. Where she can forever sing praises and continue on glorifying our Heavenly Creator. She never died, no. She continues to live on in our hearts. :)

... and just when I thought I could sleep once I'm reunited with my bed...

UAAP Season 73 was on the telly. AAAGGHHHH! Too bad UST lost to AdMU. But heck yeah, DLSU was in the zone!!! They won over the UE Red Warriors with a big difference on the score boards. Today is just one of those days when my mom thought I'd completely lost it by shouting in a basketball game that she never knew I enjoyed. Haha!



This week completely proved to me that life is unpredictable. You can never know what to expect. Lesson learned: Enjoy life as it is. No frills, even cheap thrills can do the trick! Because every moment has an impact in your life, whether it's as simple as you walking under the scorching heat without an umbrella, enjoying a pastry in a small coffee shop, or even helping out a total stranger and being able to connect. LIFE is NEVER MONOTONOUS (and/or boring). You just have to appreciate life more and see it from a different perspective. It can change you from the inside out.

Go ahead - and LIVE LIFE!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Ooohhh, ColorGenics!

Name: Faye Nadine Garcia
Date: Thursday 15th 2010f July 2010 06:05:44 PM
Colorgenics Number: 2/1/3/7/0/5/4/6/

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.

BOLD - true
BOLD with UNDERLINE - so true and right on target!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

¡Ay caramba! It's July!

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Seven days have gone by since I last held a pencil and with full concentration answered a total of 500 exam questions for the July 2010 Nursing Licensure Examinations. And until now, it still amazes me how I've gone through it all and still kept my cool. Though whenever I look back, I feel as if it's been a month.

Anyhow, nothing too eventful happened after all the hoopla's.

Monday. Mom treated me to lunch and a movie afterwards. To my horror, she dragged me to watch Eclipse with her. It was okay, but yet again didn't really meet my standard of a 'good movie'. If not for the dimsum, I would have gone mad! Lol. Nevertheless, I love my mom! She always knows that one of things that can get my mind off a really bothersome matter is a movie, whether good or bad.

Tuesday. I hibernated into the "HBO-all-you-can day" mode. AND I loved watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist! Ironically, I do think me and my BFF Caren are like Norah and Carolyn. I'm Carolyn - you get the picture. Haha!

Wednesday. I was with the Yearbook Editorial Board deciding on layout design among others. It was probably one of the first times I laughed insanely hard after the board exams (when I thought I forgot to breathe out of anxiety). Oh, and I did hang-out with Angel, Zien, Rei and Oskie at Starbucks (the one at MOA San Miguel by the Bay). ^^,

That very same day, my friend from CCP-TP days Hogi Cadlum messaged me saying if I'd be interested to work part-time in their BPO company. I gladly jumped ship and hurriedly made my resume.

Friday. Attended a business presentation at HSBC Enterprise Tower, regarding USANA. After which I found myself purposelessly roaming around Greenbelt ALONE; praying the rosary, hearing Mass and eating frozen yogurt. That night, I would've said it was one of the worst nights ever, since everyone else was out for a good Friday night. But then as I look back, I'm glad I was surrounded with warmth and music. Perhaps, it's still considered good.

Saturday. I came in the Convergys G5 site for an interview. I arrived at 10am and got off by 3:30pm (yes, that long). It was a painstacking - slash -nerve-wracking experience since it was my first time to go on a job interview. I waited for about 30-45 minutes before being called on to the initial interview with 4 other applicants (3 of which are also fresh Nursing grads). It was all good, got through it as well as the additional 4 tests that came afterwards. Then I had to wait for 2++ hours for the final interview. When the time came and Chriss (the recruitment specialist) interviewed me, I was surprised when she said that she thinks I'm going through the whole process maybe not half-heartedly but with less commitment than was expected of me. And that she is giving me 7 days to decide whether I really want the part-time post or not. It was really a BIG dilemma, up to now. But now that it boils down to it, she made me realize after the interview that I am IN-LOVE with Nursing. Crazy, right? I don't even know how I came across that thought. Maybe it's when she told me that I can only be too sure of what I want for my future is when I finally get the results of my board exams.



Ugh. I don't know. Right now all I know is I need a job. It's a crazy/scary world out there, and I do think that without one I might as well be dead meat. But I know that with God's grace, everything will fall into place just fine... and I know that he's preparing the perfect path for me. It's still under construction.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Can You Kick It?

No, this is not another movie review.

But...


OMG, YA'LL GOTTA FREAKIN' WATCH
THE KARATE KID
starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan!!!

The kid's got skills, I tell 'ya!


Must.watch.it.AGAIN!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Random Cheeseball

LOL.
  • Never put drippin' coleslaw on tortillas, especially if you eat 'em with "green" people.
  • Never drink water while someone's about to say something scandalous.
  • Only wear heels when you're sure you have a 20/20 vision, or can tell the difference between steps.
  • Never reveal something shocking when someone's driving down a spiral driveway. It's stupid, and becomes funny instead of shocking.
  • Easy on the heavy topics, people get DISTURBED. Really.

June Makes Me Go La-La

The 11th day of June.
22 days before the Board Exams.



STRESSFUL? HELL YES!... and no.

Life's been kind to me for the past few days, and everything's been really easy-breezy and calm and happy.

P.S.: Unplanned eat-outs are hella fun, yes? Shout-out to Caren Vicente and Flip Tumaneng!!! Lol.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

What is Real Beauty anyway?

Every time I wake up in the morning, it has been out of habit that the first thing I do is look at myself in the mirror. And whenever I do, I see a big girl. Not too tall, not too fair-skinned, with curves that are all over the place, thighs with cellulites, and so on. But it never bothered me. As long as I can muster a great morning smile back at me, I know that the rest of the day couldn't get any better.

But deep inside, I've always been bothered by one universal fact: that people nowadays only see beauty as something that they see in the magazine covers, TV commercials, billboards, and so on. And if that very same girl who looked in the mirror flaunted her voluptuous figure in their faces, they'll only stare back with ridicule in their eyes.

Why am I writing this down anyway? When I know for a fact that I've mostly avoided this topic out in the open. Well just a few minutes ago, I was inspired by this line from my former schoolmates' Stacy & Danah Gutierrez's blog (http://theplumpinay.blogspot.com).

So how do YOU NOT let your body define you,
when everything around is saying otherwise?

Even as I compose this entry, I honestly am still obsessed over my weight issues. Just a quick story behind that: I wasn't always 'fat' or 'voluptuous' so to speak. Until the age of 6, I was thin as skin and bones. Most of my childhood memories were of me in the hospital or at home being medicated. But my mother and cousin (who's a doctor) decided that I should take food supplements because I often get sick... and to gain some weight. From then on, you probably know what happened. And then before I entered my senior year in high school, I decided that I should do "crash diet" 2 months before school starts so I can get a good role in our school play - something I've worked on for quite a while back in h.s. And it worked! I lost 30 lbs. in less than 2 months. And I've stuck with that condition for the rest of the year, eating mostly raw tuna sandwiches, oatmeal and soup to get me through the days. But I knew I wasn't at my best state; my menstrual period became delayed most of the time, my skin was dry, and I had that 'haunting' look on my face due to dehydration.

Yes, I was able to fit into small- to medium-sized tops and size 27-28 jeans. But it was an enduring year. It really was.

However, it was a different story when I entered college. I became busy with academics and extra-curriculars (including the Student Council for 3 years). And I turned to food whenever I feel stressed, or as a reward to myself. So I started gaining back the weight I lost. From what I can still calculate, it has been a steady gain of 30 lbs. for 3 years. But now that I'm back to my former self - voluptuous and huggable as others put it - I became more and more conscious of what I look and how others perceive me based on my looks. It causes me ANXIETY whenever I go out, to the point that I even plan my outfit the night before I go out of the house; from top to jeans to shoes. As long as the clothing hides my flaws, I'm good with it.

And for this summer 2010, I decided that since I already graduated from college and have more spare time despite my review classes I can get myself into an exercise routine to hopefully lose some weight - but in a healthier way. Since the 2nd week of April, I've been jogging for an hour or so around The Fort (a minimum of 4x per week). So far, so good... but I am yet to step on the scale to see how much I've lost (or if I've lost any weight).

HOWEVER, just a few days ago I've had this slight argument with a guy friend over my 'weight'. And I ended up telling him: "You know what, I wasn't always like this. This is me in the picture (as I handed to him my phone with an old picture of mine)." And he replied by saying: "Are you sure this is you?... Hmm, I don't believe it. But maybe you could change my mind, there's still a month before our board exams."

I couldn't believe it! A guy whom I barely know had the guts to say that to me without even flinching?!? Let alone be sensitive enough towards my feelings?!? And yet, I never got mad at him. Instead, I focused on the brighter side.

How do I not let my body define who I am despite everything else? Simple:

  • I know myself.
  • I know what I've been through.
  • I know that with hard work and determination, I can achieve the body I want.
  • I eat like a normal person.
  • I know I have good skin.
  • I am smart (and knowledgeable) in my soon to be profession. :)
  • I wear mini shorts to class, and I know I look good in it!
  • I have a good support system, namely: my family and close friends. They know I've been struggling with weight issues for quite some time, but they always manage to make me see the other good things rather than the flaws.
Those and so much more.

There is so much to life for and love in this life, and to me... that is real beauty. Because beauty is a big word that can be interpreted in many ways.

Life is beautiful.
I feel good and beautiful.
That is real beauty --- never let anyone else define who you are.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Yesterday was a Fiasco

It's always a comfort to know that you've got even just one person whom you've known for so long, but haven't spent an awful lot of time for the past few years. And yet, that person is one of those who can give you a dose of reality and make you think straight without retaliating.

That's exactly what my friend, Haeja Franca did for me when I posted this status on my profile before hitting the sack: "Do I ever cross your mind?"

And I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you.




Anyway, this week's Friday was to me an unforgivable curse! Not only did someone piss me off with an accusation laced within a joke - which is highly false... but Teddy (my iPod shuffle) started going berserk halfway through my jogging routine. Thank god I was able to find a resolution to it after more than 2 hours of browsing over the internet, and doing trial and error to make it work again.

Note to thyself: Save up for an mp3 player that's not 'moisture sensitive' and is good for jogging/running. And kill a pig tomorrow, yes tomorrow! (insert evil laugh here) Lol!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hiatus much?

Probably. Maybe. YES.

It's been more than a month since I started with review class for the upcoming board exams, and I must say that I've never been more satisfied with learning. And yes, you've read that right!

Let me enumerate the ways.
  • It's a great time to learn! To recall what I already know and absorb drastically what I never learned in college.
  • To distract me from all the crazily unnecessary things (if you know what I mean).
  • Now I'm forced to think clearly. Lest I want my brain to rust by slacking off in front of the TV while watching comedy re-runs and sappy, melodramatic movies.
Apart from that, I'm glad that I've also been able to keep up with my new-found routine: JOGGING at High Street! Yes, you've read that right again. And I gotta tell you, it wasn't easy. With much motivation, I was able to pull through it on most days.

BUT I am now faced with quite a few dilemmas:
  1. I seem to have lost my singing voice. NO KIDDING! I think it started mid-January this year. I can't do falsetto anymore, which is highly unusual because I've perfected reaching high musical notes in falsetto since the age of 8. What the heck is happening?!?! Does that mean I have to undergo surgery to correct it? Oh no!
  2. I think my future's getting more uncertain by the minute. I mean I have this short term goal that will benefit me my whole life, but I wanna take things further. But I need A LOT of resources to make this possible.
  3. And I can feel the pressure adding up EVERY SINGLE DAY. And no, it's not just about the upcoming board exams. A lot of things are at stake (really).
Uggggghhh!

Makes me wanna say: That's literally how I spent the greatest part of summer. Tell me something I don't know. GAME!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

04.18.10 - Finally

I just realized I'm in a much better disposition today than the last few months of my life. I totally missed out on a lot of things, and I'm glad I'm getting a grip on myself. I'm on my way to accomplishing some of my goals for this year and much more. AND I'm finally (partially) glad that he's not in my life right now, 'coz he "shoved" me to the side for his ex who eventually just broke it off with him for being an effed-up lying ass.









DAMN it.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Égoïste

Si mon bon ami avait raison ...

Pourquoi me laisser avec une seule option, de penser que si vous n'a jamais existé dans ma vie, alors qu'en fait vous avez fait. Pourquoi porter le fardeau pour vous tout seul?

Avez-vous jamais réalisé à quel point ces mots étaient égoïstes?

J'ai l'impression que je peux tomber en amour avec vous encore une fois, et pourtant, peu importe, il ne sera jamais la même. Mais là encore, je ne savais pas comment vous avez ressenti ... vis de cela.

=====

Oh I think too much. I better sleep this one out.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Nuggets of Wisdom 04.04.10

@7:45PM

They dress the wound of my people, as though it were not serious. "Peace, peace," they say, when there is no peace.
- Jeremiah 8:11

=====

Tenderhearted people will go to unbelievable lengths to avoid any kind of turmoil in a relationship. If there's a little tension in the marriage and one partner asks the other, "What's wrong?" the tender one will answer, "Nothing." What he or she is really saying is this: "Something's wrong, but I don't want to make a scene." In choosing peacekeeping over truth telling, these people think they are being noble, but in reality, they are making a bad choice. Whatever caused the tension will come back. The peace will get harder and harder to keep. A spirit of disappointment will start to flow through the peacekeeper's veins, leading first to anger, then to bitterness and finally to hatred. Relationships can die while everything looks peaceful on the surface!

Peace at any price is a form of deception. When you know you need to tell the truth, the evil on whispers in your ear, "Don't do it. He won't listen. She won't take it. I will only make things worse." If you believe those lies, you will probably kill your relationship sooner or later. Tell the truth!

(Excerpts from: Courageous Faith Through the Year by Bill Hybels)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Nuggets of Wisdom 04.03.10

@1:07AM

"When he, the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth."
- John 16:13

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Monday through Friday, business parking lots are always filled. On Saturday mornings, however, only one car is usually parked in front of each business - most likely the owner's car. Why? Because the business belongs to him. He wants to keep a close watch on the statistics, the cash flow, the deposits and the statements. He cares about it in a way his employees can never understand.

Jesus is a caring owner. We are his sheep, not someone else's, and he will walk miles to lead us to green pastures. Because he owns us and loves us, Jesus monitors every step we take. He knows every hurt we feel, every crushing disappointment we experience. We are precious to him, because he created us. He is in love with us, and he will do whatever it takes to keep us safe in his flock - he even laid down his life for our sakes. I'm grateful for a love like that.

(Excerpts from: Courageous Faith Through the Year by Bill Hybels)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sigh.

Today is the day... when my fears and suppressed feelings caught up with me.

And I've been dodging them like a bullet... not really trying to take it in. And yet somehow... it cuts deep right through me.

=====

There was once a time when I could whole-heartedly tell him "I look forward to everyday... every sunrise and sunset - because I know you are there." But I can never tell you that anyway. Not now, not ever.

=====

So I just sit and reflect... and hope that tomorrow's a better day.

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Josh 1:9





Wow, it's been a year since I last saw my grandma. I miss her terribly. God bless her soul in the heavens.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Countdown to Grad

A lot of things have happened since the last time I blogged. Like seriously it's like last month felt like a long, long time ago.

And now I'm just counting down the hours 'til I walk down the PICC Plenary Hall to earn the diploma I've been working on for the last 4 years.

But...

I'm not excited.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Two Trick Pony

Oh hello!

It's been quite a while since I've updated, so before anything else I'd like to greet everyone:

HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY - to all single guys and ladies out there (myself included); HAPPY VALENTINES DAY - to all the cheesy couples who... get a room! :)) and KUNG HEI FAT CHOI - let's make this year a prosperous one!


With those being said, I think it's appropriate to let it all out. Here we go.

The past few weeks have been the most stressful days of my 2010, thus far. Four words fit to describe it would be: A F*CKIN' ROLLERCOASTER RIDE.

I don't even think I'd like to make myself believe with all the horoscope shiz anymore.

Prosperous love life? Nah. The guy knows he let a good one go anyway.
Good school performance? Nah. The grand case just went down the drain. No thanks to them.
Money matters? Nah. I'm broke since 1st of January!

And to top it all off, I think I'm pretty messed up. No really, seriously. Despite me being able to organize a successful seminar for our class, and managing to end up with high grades for academics (except for the review classes) I think I'm lost. A few months back, I was pretty sure I've already made concrete plans for my future. But then in just a snap, I'm rebuilding the entire plan from scratch. The future can't get any bleaker at this point.

Damn. I should get a grip on things, and fast!
And I should forget YOU, whoever you are. Just give me time.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

A War of Hearts and Minds

People who have known me for the past years could easily deduce the fact that I have the toughest exterior when it comes to work. Those who were never close to me can just easily give you a run-down on how cold-hearted, cruel, tactless and unforgiving I am particularly on working relations that never seem to work. That's how I reach my goal in work (and school), and that's the side of me that people always misunderstand... for far too many times.

On the other hand, it can also be easily said that I have the most delicate side with the matters of the heart. Yes I do fall for cupid's arrow fairly quickly, through the hits and misses. But when I do fall for it, I treasure it like the rarest gem on the planet.

And when I do... what happens?

Sometimes I get blinded by what I see. Sometimes I can even get mad in the spur of the moment. And sometimes... just sometimes, I tend to believe in things that have no basis in reality. But just to prove a point, even if I may get caught up in the whirlwind of things I still do think clearly and have the right judgment on things.

But what if things are too complex?

I just go about my day, think reflect meditate... whatever, hope and pray for the best. I'm not the overly-exceedingly manipulative, possessive b*tch and high-maintenance person I was before.

A SIMPLE SORRY WOULD SUFFICE.
Nothing more, nothing less.
No frilly things and flowery words.
Just a simple 'sorry'.

I do not need elaborate apologies and a highly narrative explanation to boot. One word is enough to calm me down.

Is it too much to ask?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Oh Haeja!

This is solely dedicated to Haeja Franca, who's most recent description of me made me laugh uncontrollably:

*After teasing me non-stop; to no avail:*

Haeja to Me:
"You are a crippled human being with a cheesy heart and no sense of humor. We're not friends na!"

Me to Haeja:
Whatever.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My 2009 In-Focus

My friend, Haeja Franca, has inspired me to write this post after I've read hers in her current blog.

So here it goes~

Twenty-oh-nine is the year that caught me by surprise in more ways than any other did - and it wasn't in the most positive context. I started it off with a flaming hope that everything would be better, because I probably cried my eyes out for most of my December 2008. But well... it didn't.

January was a freaking circus of stress, lies, mockery, and gossip.
February WAS HELL.
March WAS WORST THAN HELL.

Those three months managed to numb my senses and at the same time unrestrained that beast inside me. I have never felt so much anger in my entire life. And I have never felt so betrayed and hoodwinked by people that I thought I could trust. Thus, FRIENDSHIPS DEFINITELY OVER and buried a thousand feet under. God will probably give them what they deserve in due time.

April offered me some peace of mind as me and my mom visited the province. That was the last time that I was able to see, touch, hug, kiss and talk to my grandma... and I'm gonna miss her, forever. She passed away during the 4th quarter of 2009.

Right now as I write this post, I can't help but be emotional towards these things. The pain is still there and I hope that I can release that pain and let it be swept away by the winds of change.

The month of May made me feel like I was an uninterested Freshman student walking down the corridors of hospitals. I was physically present, but mentally absent.

During the first semester of my last college year, it was a first that I wasn't elected Class President. But looking back, I'm glad I settled for second best because it made me step back and see things from a different perspective. I was calm and relaxed... something that NEVER came my way for nearly 3 years since I entered college. And by this time, I was able to finish my thesis in peace.

In the remaining weeks of October, things started to pick-up speed as I 'revamp' myself and explore higher grounds. Since the "hell months" ended, I realized who my true friends are. I clearly do not need people who will pull me down and ruin my composure on my own expense. This was the month that made me realize that I do not have to hide behind a mask just because I've built a good reputation around it with medals and certificates, and a familiar name in the campus. No, I felt the need to break the cycle but not in a rebellious way. Whatever those things are, I've already mentioned them in earlier posts - no use reiterating them.

Come November was a change in the air, and I felt that it was a month of great opportunities for me. I enrolled myself for the last time and later that evening had my final thesis paper bounded and signed by my adviser. Then I was elected as Class President along with my other organizations with which I hold an executive post. I AM BACK, BABY! ('Em goddamn people probably thought they could break me... but I'm one tough cookie!). Haha!

December was a "full speed ahead" kind of thing for me. It may not have been the greatest Christmas ever (and that's an understatement). My 20th birthday was less-than-special. My New Year's Eve wasn't a blast either. But I was happy. My family and friends warm my heart and make me happy. And an unexpected someone puts a smile on my face without me knowing it.

I AM FINALLY HAPPY AND AT PEACE.

I've learned a lot in 2009. It might not be the year that I'll fancy looking back to in the years to come, but it taught me to never succumb to hard times. It opened my eyes to the ultimate truth that not everyone is worth my trust; somehow at some point, they would have to prove themselves worthy of it. Those who fail simply have to go through the "exit" sign to the left. And it taught me that I should do things not because I need to, but because I want to.

I have quite a few people to thank - those who have proved themselves worthy of my trust, and most importantly my friendship. But they know who they are anyway. And I will forever love them for simply being them.

This space goes out to ya'll: ____________________________________________.

And yes, I know I'll be happier and happiest and more fabulous in 2010.
WATCH ME. ^^,

Friday, January 1, 2010

525,600 Minutes, How Do You Measure Your Life?

HELLO 2010!

Believe it or not, I've spent the wee hours of the 1st of January in front of my PC -- watching RENT (2008, as shot on Broadway... yet again) and chatting on YM (it's for a 'good cause'... hehe~).

To sum things up (for now), I'll just quote here my current and first Facebook status for this year:

2009 was the craziest year for me & I've never felt so blessed to get through another year with a smile on my face and love in my heart. Also, it made me realize who my true friends are. I've never had so much negative vibes & hella good times! I guess I do have a lot of people to thank... but they know that anyway. And to YOU, thank you for making my 2009 extra special. :) Let's make 2010 a spankin' good year!

So there, that's probably it. The year that was is one of which I'll never forget. Luckily, I came through it unscathed.

Through countless headaches, deadlines, heartbreaks, stress, rage, feuds, happy times, coffee, booze, and a mixture of everything in-between... I've never felt more alive.

So with that, let's make a toast as we usher in another chapter in our lives. Cheers to 2010!