Saturday, January 23, 2010

A War of Hearts and Minds

People who have known me for the past years could easily deduce the fact that I have the toughest exterior when it comes to work. Those who were never close to me can just easily give you a run-down on how cold-hearted, cruel, tactless and unforgiving I am particularly on working relations that never seem to work. That's how I reach my goal in work (and school), and that's the side of me that people always misunderstand... for far too many times.

On the other hand, it can also be easily said that I have the most delicate side with the matters of the heart. Yes I do fall for cupid's arrow fairly quickly, through the hits and misses. But when I do fall for it, I treasure it like the rarest gem on the planet.

And when I do... what happens?

Sometimes I get blinded by what I see. Sometimes I can even get mad in the spur of the moment. And sometimes... just sometimes, I tend to believe in things that have no basis in reality. But just to prove a point, even if I may get caught up in the whirlwind of things I still do think clearly and have the right judgment on things.

But what if things are too complex?

I just go about my day, think reflect meditate... whatever, hope and pray for the best. I'm not the overly-exceedingly manipulative, possessive b*tch and high-maintenance person I was before.

Nothing more, nothing less.
No frilly things and flowery words.
Just a simple 'sorry'.

I do not need elaborate apologies and a highly narrative explanation to boot. One word is enough to calm me down.

Is it too much to ask?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Oh Haeja!

This is solely dedicated to Haeja Franca, who's most recent description of me made me laugh uncontrollably:

*After teasing me non-stop; to no avail:*

Haeja to Me:
"You are a crippled human being with a cheesy heart and no sense of humor. We're not friends na!"

Me to Haeja:

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My 2009 In-Focus

My friend, Haeja Franca, has inspired me to write this post after I've read hers in her current blog.

So here it goes~

Twenty-oh-nine is the year that caught me by surprise in more ways than any other did - and it wasn't in the most positive context. I started it off with a flaming hope that everything would be better, because I probably cried my eyes out for most of my December 2008. But well... it didn't.

January was a freaking circus of stress, lies, mockery, and gossip.
February WAS HELL.

Those three months managed to numb my senses and at the same time unrestrained that beast inside me. I have never felt so much anger in my entire life. And I have never felt so betrayed and hoodwinked by people that I thought I could trust. Thus, FRIENDSHIPS DEFINITELY OVER and buried a thousand feet under. God will probably give them what they deserve in due time.

April offered me some peace of mind as me and my mom visited the province. That was the last time that I was able to see, touch, hug, kiss and talk to my grandma... and I'm gonna miss her, forever. She passed away during the 4th quarter of 2009.

Right now as I write this post, I can't help but be emotional towards these things. The pain is still there and I hope that I can release that pain and let it be swept away by the winds of change.

The month of May made me feel like I was an uninterested Freshman student walking down the corridors of hospitals. I was physically present, but mentally absent.

During the first semester of my last college year, it was a first that I wasn't elected Class President. But looking back, I'm glad I settled for second best because it made me step back and see things from a different perspective. I was calm and relaxed... something that NEVER came my way for nearly 3 years since I entered college. And by this time, I was able to finish my thesis in peace.

In the remaining weeks of October, things started to pick-up speed as I 'revamp' myself and explore higher grounds. Since the "hell months" ended, I realized who my true friends are. I clearly do not need people who will pull me down and ruin my composure on my own expense. This was the month that made me realize that I do not have to hide behind a mask just because I've built a good reputation around it with medals and certificates, and a familiar name in the campus. No, I felt the need to break the cycle but not in a rebellious way. Whatever those things are, I've already mentioned them in earlier posts - no use reiterating them.

Come November was a change in the air, and I felt that it was a month of great opportunities for me. I enrolled myself for the last time and later that evening had my final thesis paper bounded and signed by my adviser. Then I was elected as Class President along with my other organizations with which I hold an executive post. I AM BACK, BABY! ('Em goddamn people probably thought they could break me... but I'm one tough cookie!). Haha!

December was a "full speed ahead" kind of thing for me. It may not have been the greatest Christmas ever (and that's an understatement). My 20th birthday was less-than-special. My New Year's Eve wasn't a blast either. But I was happy. My family and friends warm my heart and make me happy. And an unexpected someone puts a smile on my face without me knowing it.


I've learned a lot in 2009. It might not be the year that I'll fancy looking back to in the years to come, but it taught me to never succumb to hard times. It opened my eyes to the ultimate truth that not everyone is worth my trust; somehow at some point, they would have to prove themselves worthy of it. Those who fail simply have to go through the "exit" sign to the left. And it taught me that I should do things not because I need to, but because I want to.

I have quite a few people to thank - those who have proved themselves worthy of my trust, and most importantly my friendship. But they know who they are anyway. And I will forever love them for simply being them.

This space goes out to ya'll: ____________________________________________.

And yes, I know I'll be happier and happiest and more fabulous in 2010.

Friday, January 1, 2010

525,600 Minutes, How Do You Measure Your Life?

HELLO 2010!

Believe it or not, I've spent the wee hours of the 1st of January in front of my PC -- watching RENT (2008, as shot on Broadway... yet again) and chatting on YM (it's for a 'good cause'... hehe~).

To sum things up (for now), I'll just quote here my current and first Facebook status for this year:

2009 was the craziest year for me & I've never felt so blessed to get through another year with a smile on my face and love in my heart. Also, it made me realize who my true friends are. I've never had so much negative vibes & hella good times! I guess I do have a lot of people to thank... but they know that anyway. And to YOU, thank you for making my 2009 extra special. :) Let's make 2010 a spankin' good year!

So there, that's probably it. The year that was is one of which I'll never forget. Luckily, I came through it unscathed.

Through countless headaches, deadlines, heartbreaks, stress, rage, feuds, happy times, coffee, booze, and a mixture of everything in-between... I've never felt more alive.

So with that, let's make a toast as we usher in another chapter in our lives. Cheers to 2010!