Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tearing Pretenses

I must admit, for the first time in my life - I can feel fear. Not the kind of fear that may dispel after I wake up. It's there, lingering, raw, intense.

For the past few weeks, my parents have been trying to convince me to apply to be a military nurse. Instantly, I knew it was a far-off thing for me. It's not my dream, so to speak. It doesn't even fit the whole picture of what I want to do with my life... as a nurse.

And yet right now, given the circumstance that there are a lot of nurses in the Philippines who do not have a job fit for their profession, I must say that I'm being eaten by guilt. Piece by piece, up to the fiber of my being. I have connections, you see - set aside ego, of course. With that alone, I know I can get commissioned faster than anyone else. I know that I'm as brilliant as everyone out there, and I always have full confidence in myself that I can pass exams - sometimes to the point of cockiness.

But this time, even though I know I can do it. I just can't. It still feels so distant.

As I'm writing this, tears are actually pouring down like... I don't even know why it's happening! It's like I know what I want - which is NOT military nursing. But at the same time, I don't know what I want. Now I'm starting to doubt my plans in life. Heck, I do not even know if I have all the leisurely time in the world to sit back and let things unfold. Just like what one of my friends mentioned about his life earlier, "If I don't move now, nothing will happen."

That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I hate it when people try to push me to do things that I have no intention of pursuing, not because I'm a lazy bone but because I usually know what I want in life.

But this time, it's different.

If I don't make a decision, and the right one at that, I think I might disappoint myself... even greater than I will disappoint my parents.

It just hurts. So many things going on in such a short span of time.

I hate change. Really. I don't even know what to think anymore. There's not even a space left to breathe in.

God, help me.

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